Teacher Notes on Description-Writing Exercises

Exercise 5: Fluorescent Lamp

Context for this case:

Prerequisites:
  • Segmented lamp description cut into 30 pieces.
  • One large figure and headings to guide rebuilding.
  • Alternative paragraph versions (optional).

Cognitive Apprenticeship Features:
  • Facilitates coaching on value of reader signals and how to rebuild by using them.
  • Externalizes role recognition of every descriptive piece.
  • Builds cognitive maturity.

Supporting References:
Relevant CA Content Standards  
Goal:
To have students reconstruct a coherent, adequate technical description from scrambled parts (as they read them aloud). The description topic is a household (or classroom) fluorescent lamp, the text parts are sentence length (fine grained), and one figure helps guide the reconstruction.
Strategy:
This is the third of several exercises in which students use the features and signals embedded in a good technical description to rebuild it from its scrambled (sentence-sized) parts. The description's headings and figures provide the framework for publicly reassembling the description step by step, as a class project, like a verbal jigsaw puzzle of which each student has a piece. In Exercise 5, the parts are small (as in Exercise 4) but there are about twice as many of them as in the previous exercises (about 30), making this a major reconstruction project for a class (and suitable for small-group cooperative work).

MACAULAY BACKGROUND:
As with Exercises 2 and 3, this fluorescent lamp description borrows its single figure from technical illustrator David Macaulay's The New Way Things Work (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1998), p. 180. For background on Macaulay, the URL for his book's web site (largely promotional), his relation to collaborator Neil Ardley, and his strategy of drawing important features realistically but unimportant ones whimsically, see the Strategy section of annotated Exercise 2.

THE FIGURE:
The descriptive text of this exercise refers to one figure that you need to show to students while they work on the exercise (Macaulay, p. 180), but that I cannot reproduce here because it is copyrighted. This figure, together with the list of section headings, complements and helps visually organize the text of the fluorescent-lamp description. Although this description uses only one Macaulay drawing, the text refers to (parts of) that drawing in five places, so text-graphics integration plays an important role here. To further aid the drawing in clarifying the text, I add callouts for the pin and base, and I overtly insert the F40-T12 label mentioned in the text (all go at the figure's left side). You might point out to students how Macaulay exaggerates the size of the "gas discharge" mercury atoms (middle and right) to make the physical process clearer.

OTHER BACKGROUND:
Fluorescent lamp technical descriptions (not usually as long or as consistent as here, but with subsets of the relevant facts and rhetorical features) abound on World Wide Web sites posted by working professional electricians. Good, thorough description is not a school-book exercise but a great practical benefit if you make your living installing complex devices such as fluorescent lamps. See the Strategy discussion near the start of Exercise 0 ("the fist on the card") for more analysis of the "authenticity" of such descriptions.

HOW TO USE THIS EXERCISE:
(A) Role Recognition (Deprecated).
Although you can certainly use the text of Exercise 5 for more practice in recognizing the features of a description and their roles, no student version with scaffolded feature prompts is provided (and, hence, no annotated teacher version either). My experience is that by the time they reach Exercise 5, all students need the greater activity level that text reconstruction (below) offers.
(B) Text Reconstruction (Background).
Reconstructing Exercise 5 from its scrambled sentence-length pieces involves the same practical, work-relevant attention to text features and linguistic clues as did Exercise 3 (which introduces this activity) and Exercise 4. Note that the pieces here are (a) more fine grained, calling for more student attention to their details, and (b) more numerous (making twice as large a reconstruction project as the previous exercises).
(C) Text Reconstruction (Process).
Below I provide a "segmented" version of the student fluorescent-lamp description. It has no scaffolding, but marks (---) divide it into 30 sentence-sized chunks. The descriptive chunks omit all high-level headings, which appear in a separate list for you to use as the project outline. Although the text chunks are short, each contains signals or rhetorical clues (including lowest-level or "run-in" headings and figure callouts) about each chunk's intended role in and contribution to the overall description.
  • Print out
    the segmented version of the fluorescent-lamp description and cut it into pieces (of paper) along the marks (---) indicated.
  • Enlarge
    each text chunk on a photocopy machine for easier in-class reading and sharing. Everyone can participate more easily if the description parts (that you assemble as puzzle pieces on the wall) have print big enough to read from across the room. Alternatively, use less enlargement and reassemble the description on a big table.
  • Scramble
    the text pieces so that their original order is hidden.
  • Distribute
    the (enlarged) text chunks randomly, one to each student (or perhaps to each pair of students). GROUPS VERSION: Teachers who prefer that students work in small groups can easily adapt Exercise 5 for small-group practice. Make enough complete sets of the description text chunks so that each group of students can have one whole set. Scramble the text pieces within each set and let the students of each group cooperatively reassemble the description from their set of pieces as best they can. Then have one group post their reconstructed description on the wall for you (or them) to read, adapt, and evaluate (as below).
  • Read each piece aloud
    and try to find its best place. Use its internal rhetorical features (as mentioned on the guidelines) as clues and the list of headings and the figures as an organizing "target" framework, a broad outline of the intended result. Student discussion may perform most of this work in some classes; you will need to provide considerable leadership and encouragement in others since this is valuable but unfamiliar territory for many students. In some cases, even reading their text chunk aloud for classmates to consider may challenge the student who holds it.
  • Post
    each text chunk on a wall or blackboard (with little pieces of tape or Post-it notes) as students decide on its preliminary role and place. But don't tape the paper sheets to each other unless you can easily undo them, because changing the order and grouping is a natural and appropriate part of reconstructing the whole description from its parts.
  • Adapt
    the growing description as new pieces of the puzzle are read and reviewed. As in real life, first guesses may need to be revised to accommodate later arriving chunks of text that clarify the overall structure of the description that you are (re)building.
  • Review
    the emerging whole as the last pieces fall into place, as you would with any puzzle. This approach enables students, cooperatively, to "write" a long, complex technical description using important, real-world design principles (the guidelines), without having to compose each separate piece of prose. It shows "actively" how the pieces of a good description have features that knit together to form a coherent pattern intended to help readers use the text well. Since the students must focus on those same text features to rebuild the description, they come to see why writers bother to deploy them.
Case:
Student version [headings only, for outline]:

Description Case 5:  Fluorescent Lamp



Overview


Structure

     Size


     Contents


     Labels


Operation

     Gas Discharge

          STARTING.

          EMITTING.

          VISIBILITY.


     Wavelength Conversion


     Efficiency

          HEAT/LIGHT RATIO.

          BULB LONGEVITY.

Student version [segmented, no scaffolding or headings]:

Description Case 5:  Fluorescent Lamp

                                       ---

A fluorescent lamp is a long
straight glass tube that glows
when a current passing through
low-pressure gas within the tube
causes a coating on the glass to
emit white light.
                                       ---
Fluorescent lamps were first
introduced commercially in 1938.
                                       ---
A standard fluorescent lamp is a
cylindrical glass tube 1.5 inches
in diameter and 48 inches long
(other sizes are available).
                                       ---
A 2-pin metal base or cap seals
each end of the tube (see Fig. 1).
                                       ---
Inside each end cap, attached to
the pins, is a filament or
electrode, a thin thread of wire
from which electrons boil when it
is heated by an electric current.
                                       ---
Sealed within the tube by the
caps is a drop of mercury and a
very low-pressure inert gas
(usually argon).
                                       ---
A light-emitting chemical (see
the Operation section) called a
phosphor coats the entire inside
surface of the glass.
                                       ---
Fluorescent lamps carry
standardized labels outside that
identify their internal physical
and electrical properties.
                                       ---
For example, a lamp with the
black characters
     F40-T12
stenciled on one end is a
fluorescent (F) tube (T) that
uses 40 watts of power and has
a diameter of 12 eighths of an
inch (12/8 = 3/2 = 1.5 inch).
                                       ---
STARTING.  When the lamp is off,
the mixture of mercury and gas
inside does not conduct
electricity.
                                       ---
So every fluorescent lamp is
attached to a starting device
called a ballast, which combines
 * a "transformer" to produce an
   initial, high-voltage burst,
   and
 * an "inductor" to limit
   current flow while the lamp
   is on.
                                       ---
EMITTING.  When power is first
applied, a 250- to 400-volt burst
of electricity vaporizes the
mercury (see Fig. 1, left).
                                       ---
Electrons in the mercury atoms
absorb energy and jump to
"higher," more energetic orbits
(Fig. 1, middle).
                                       ---
They then fall back to less
energetic orbits (Fig.1, right).
                                       ---
This repeating process, called
gas discharge,  continuously
emits the absorbed energy as
light.
                                       ---
Once started, only about 175 volts
are needed to maintain this
discharge in a 40-watt lamp.
                                       ---
VISIBILITY.  When an applied
voltage causes discharge in some
low-pressure, inert gases, they
emit visible light.
                                       ---
Ionized neon gas emits red
light, for example, seen
directly in a glowing neon bulb.
                                       ---
But in a fluorescent lamp, the
discharge comes almost entirely
from the mercury vapor, even
though it is only 1 percent of
the enclosed gas.
                                       ---
And almost all of the mercury
discharge is ultraviolet (UV)
light, whose wavelength is too
short for human eyes to see.
                                       ---
The phosphor that coats the
inside of the lamp tube converts
the UV mercury discharge into
useful light that people can see.
                                       ---
The phosphor absorbs the
invisible, short-wave UV
emissions from the excited
mercury atoms (Fig. 1, right).
                                       ---
It then emits other light with
a longer wavelength, almost all
of which is visible.
                                       ---
The chemical composition of the
phosphor lining the tube controls
the color of the visible light
emitted, which may be
 * "cool white" (partly blue), or
 * "warm white" (partly pink), or
 * other visible colors.
                                       ---
HEAT/LIGHT RATIO.  All lamps
convert current into visible
light and heat.
                                       ---
Fluorescent lamps are about 2 to
4 times more efficient than
incandescent (glowing filament)
lamps.
                                       ---
For the same power, they produce
2 to 4 times more light and less
heat.
                                       ---
BULB LONGEVITY.  Fluorescent
lamps also have longer lifetimes.

A typical incandescent bulb lasts
1000 hours before the filament
fails.
                                       ---
But a typical fluorescent lamp
lasts 10,000 to 20,000 hours,
depending on how often it is
started.

                                       ---
Annotated version:
Description Case 5:  Fluorescent Lamp


Overview

A fluorescent lamp is a long
straight glass tube that glows
when a current passing through
low-pressure gas within the tube
causes a coating on the glass to
emit white light.

Fluorescent lamps were first
introduced commercially in 1938.

Structure

     Size

A standard fluorescent lamp is a
cylindrical glass tube 1.5 inches
in diameter and 48 inches long
(other sizes are available).

A 2-pin metal base or cap seals
each end of the tube (see Fig. 1).

     Contents

Inside each end cap, attached to
the pins, is a filament or
electrode, a thin thread of wire
from which electrons boil when it
is heated by an electric current.

Sealed within the tube by the
caps is a drop of mercury and a
very low-pressure inert gas
(usually argon).

A light-emitting chemical (see
the Operation section) called a
phosphor coats the entire inside
surface of the glass.

     Labels

Fluorescent lamps carry
standardized labels outside that
identify their internal physical
and electrical properties.

For example, a lamp with the
black characters
     F40-T12
stenciled on one end is a
fluorescent (F) tube (T) that
uses 40 watts of power and has
a diameter of 12 eighths of an
inch (12/8 = 3/2 = 1.5 inch).

Operation

     Gas Discharge

STARTING.  When the lamp is off,
the mixture of mercury and gas
inside does not conduct
electricity.

So every fluorescent lamp is
attached to a starting device
called a ballast, which combines
 * a "transformer" to produce an
   initial, high-voltage burst,
   and
 * an "inductor" to limit
   current flow while the lamp
   is on.

EMITTING.  When power is first
applied, a 250- to 400-volt burst
of electricity vaporizes the
mercury (see Fig. 1, left).

Electrons in the mercury atoms
absorb energy and jump to
"higher," more energetic orbits
(Fig. 1, middle).

They then fall back to less
energetic orbits (Fig.1, right).

This repeating process, called
gas discharge,  continuously
emits the absorbed energy as
light.

Once started, only about 175 volts
are needed to maintain this
discharge in a 40-watt lamp.

VISIBILITY.  When an applied
voltage causes discharge in some
low-pressure, inert gases, they
emit visible light.

Ionized neon gas emits red
light, for example, seen
directly in a glowing neon bulb.

But in a fluorescent lamp, the
discharge comes almost entirely
from the mercury vapor, even
though it is only 1 percent of
the enclosed gas.

And almost all of the mercury
discharge is ultraviolet (UV)
light, whose wavelength is too
short for human eyes to see.

     Wavelength Conversion

The phosphor that coats the
inside of the lamp tube converts
the UV mercury discharge into
useful light that people can see.

The phosphor absorbs the
invisible, short-wave UV
emissions from the excited
mercury atoms (Fig. 1, right).

It then emits other light with
a longer wavelength, almost all
of which is visible.

The chemical composition of the
phosphor lining the tube controls
the color of the visible light
emitted, which may be
 * "cool white" (partly blue), or
 * "warm white" (partly pink), or
 * other visible colors.

     Efficiency

HEAT/LIGHT RATIO.  All lamps
convert current into visible
light and heat.

Fluorescent lamps are about 2 to
4 times more efficient than
incandescent (glowing filament)
lamps.

For the same power, they produce
2 to 4 times more light and less
heat.

BULB LONGEVITY.  Fluorescent
lamps also have longer lifetimes.

A typical incandescent bulb lasts
1000 hours before the filament
fails.

But a typical fluorescent lamp
lasts 10,000 to 20,000 hours,
depending on how often it is
started.

Extended Activities:
Besides the primary activities explained above, you can have students pursue several secondary activities with the descriptive text of Exercise 5. These optional activities reinforce and (slightly) extend this exercise's original goals. See Exercise 3 for general suggestions also applicable here.
REWRITING, REVISING.
For every paragraph in a technical description, alternative versions exist that could have been used. Some are clearly better or worse that the original, while others involve tradeoffs that improve the description in one way but weaken it in another. (For background on the real-life relevance of text revision to laboratory science, see the teacher notes for Exercise 9.)

You can introduce students to this important idea that good writing demands revising, and revising requires carefully comparing the relative merits of alternative chunks of text. I have used paragraph 5 (on the electrode, first within the "Contents" subsection) as the focus for such extended activity. You can present and discuss alternative versions of this paragraph (below) most easily in large-print format or by projecting them to large size on the wall.

  • Version 1.
    The original version of the electrode paragraph (reproduced here) is very concise. But it involves a single long, complex (though clear) sentence, potentially difficult for nonnative English readers to understand. Have students count the total words used in this version.
    Inside each end cap, attached to
    the pins, is a filament or
    electrode, a thin thread of wire                 total = 30 words
    from which electrons boil when it
    is heated by an electric current.
    
  • Version 2.
    You can ask able students to rewrite Version 1 as many short sentences that make explicit each assertion embedded within it (or show them Version 2 below). Version 2 spells out every implicit claim made in Version 1: the result is four very easy sentences, but sentences that give each claim an equal linguistic emphasis, for a repetitious, annoyingly flat tone. Have students count the total words here too. At 38 words, this is not only much more awkward than Version 1 but it is 25% longer as well.
    A filament attaches to the
    pins inside each end cap.
    A filament is an electrode.
    A filament is a thin thread
    of wire.                                         total = 38 words
    Electrons boil from a filament
    when a filament is heated by
    an electric current.
    
  • Version 3A, B.
    You can ask students to rewrite Version 2 with the goal of keeping the simplicity but improving the focus and emphasis (or show them Version 3A, below). Version 3A makes the same claims as Version 2 but introduces some linguistic signals and verbal combinations to save text and make a more readable result:
    A filament or electrode          (3A)
    attaches to the pins inside
    each end cap.
    This is a thin thread of wire.
    From it electrons boil when
    heated by an electric current.
    
    Version 3A, however, introduces two different (unintended, but typical) mistakes or verbal flaws that will mislead readers.
    (1) The second sentence begins with the wrong pronoun. "It is a thin thread..." would refer back to the beginning of the first sentence (whose subject is "a filament"). "This is a thin thread..." refers to the end of the first sentence, to the noun immediately before the pronoun (here, to "end cap"). Using a pronoun to bridge the two sentences is a good strategy, but this is an inappropriate, misleading choice. Version 3B (below) shows where "this" takes the topic of the description (which is not the original intention here).
    A filament or electrode          (3B)
    attaches to the pins inside
    each end cap.
    This [cap] is made of aluminum.
    
    (2) The third sentence in Version 3A contains the ambiguous phrase "when heated." Is the electrode heated or rather the electrons that boil off? Adding another pronoun here can eliminate the danger of misreading this sentence (as in Version 4, below).
  • Version 4.
    This version keeps the strengths of Version 3A but removes its weaknesses, and it eliminates the unwanted detour of meaning in Version 3B:
    A filament or electrode
    attaches to the pins inside
    each end cap.
    It is a thin thread of wire.
    From it electrons boil when
    it is
    heated by an electric current.
    
    Version 4 preserves all the claims made in Version 1, offers (three) simplier sentences to the reader, and yet maintains the proper thread of continuity too. Version 4 is virtually the same length as Version 1 (31 words); this suggests that improving on the conciseness of Version 1 is quite hard, but one can (perhaps) improve it somewhat in other, more subtle ways. Able students can compare the benefits of Version 1 and Version 4 as serious text alternatives.
Note:
This exercise most closely supports the following 1998 California English-Language Arts content standard(s).
Reading:
Grade 3--"Read aloud fluently..."
Grade 8--"Understand and explain the use of a complex mechanical device" (p. 50).
Grade 9/10--"Critique the logic of functional documents by examining the sequence of information and procedures in anticipation of possible reader misunderstandings" (p. 57).
Grade 11/12--"Analyze both the features and the rhetorical devices of...public documents" (p. 66).
Writing:
Grade 5--"Edit and revise manuscripts to improve meaning and focus" (p. 30).
Grade 7--"Revise writing to improve organization and word choice after checking the logic of the ideas..." (p. 44).
Grade 8--"Establish coherence within and among paragraphs" (p. 51).
Grade 9/10--"Write technical documents...report information and convey ideas logically and correctly...anticipate reader problems" (p. 61).

Contact: T. R. Girill trgirill@acm.org