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Diary of a Consultant
By Bill Ardis
 When I work,
I work hard. But I'm between contracts now, so I spend my time at
home on the phone, on e-mail and instant messaging, and in interviews
considering the options for my next job.
As a service to you, gentle STC reader, I kept a diary early in September so that you could compare my rigorous job-hunting patterns with your own.
Monday Morning
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6:00 a.m.
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Alarm goes off. Hit "snooze."
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6:09 a.m.
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Wonder why "snooze" is configured for only nine minutes? Poor human factors design, clearly. Should be at least 20 minutes. I retaliate by turning alarm off and going into
"deep snooze" mode.
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7:18 a.m.
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Awaken from "deep snooze" feeling relaxed and refreshed. Note to self: contact Westclox and suggest longer "snooze" time. They should appreciate such a deeply
thought-out suggestion.
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7:20 a.m.
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Into shower. Energy is high! Confidence is high!
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7:21 a.m.
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Damn! Forgot to buy soap. Wonder how Palmolive Dishwashing Liquid will do as soap?
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7:29 a.m.
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Slide out of shower, body glowing greenly, oiled with lanolin. Note to self: avoid shaking hands with hiring managers today, will leave a "slick" impression on other person's
hand. Possible excuse: hurt hand doing home carpentry project on Sunday. Hmm. Not good excuse. Man with hurt hand would be disabled at keyboard, would type...very...slowly. Better to seem sleazy and
slick, handwise.
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7:46 a.m.
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Sit down to delicious bowl of cereal-and-strawberries while reading paper. Note to self: contact San Francisco Chronicle, pitch idea for feature article on the quiet luxury of a
man at home, preparing to seek new employment, enjoying a delicious, healthy breakfast, perhaps an elegant little asparagus, mushroom & gruyere strudel with Sobe' juice.
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7:47 a.m.
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Notice small varmint doing backstroke across my cereal bowl. Have had ant problem in kitchen lately. Stab ant with fork, splashing milk everywhere, throw out cereal after briefly
considering the protein content and nutritional value of ant. Grab paper sack with five old, somewhat stiffened honey-glazed cinnamon doughnuts. Delicious! Note to self: forget about Chronicle story.
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8:18 a.m.
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Sit down on couch to continue studying CGI/Perl Cookbook. Highlighter, red pen, note pad are at hand to take notes, highlight salient points. Improve skills as Technical Writer, firm
up resume considerably. "Yes, Perlscripting, sure, I can handle that!" Another successful interview, another cool job!
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8:19 a.m.
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Begin to read:
"Line 790 checks to see if $CONFIG('error_fields') .= "</UL>";"
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8:20 a.m.
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Feel myself nodding off.
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10:45 a.m.
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Hmm. I may have gone to sleep. Couch seat is lightly highlighted in yellow as though THIS is an excellent place to sit. Wife will kill me. Minister at funeral will say, "Bill's
passing came about because of a highlighting error..." CGI/Perl Cookbook is on floor, and mouth tastes like three-day-old doughnuts. The morning is shot, anyway.
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10:46 a.m.
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Into bed to complete nap.
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Monday Afternoon, That Same Day
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12:20 p.m.
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Energized, leap from bed. Prepare for a productive afternoon: scan the job opportunities on Dice, Monster, Headhunter.net. Make it happen! Today's the day!
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12:28 p.m.
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Scanning the Contra Costa Times, I notice that "Rock Star" is playing at the Century 5 Theater in Pleasant Hill. Marky Mark makes it big, finally, no more Funky Bunch
for him. Making a movie is a highly technical endeavor; could be a tax deduction here--and certainly increase my bandwidth about what it means to be a rock star. I might be called upon to write tech
notes for Spielberg one day. And education is good. Could I get Continuing Education Credits for this?
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1:25 p.m.
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Popcorn, a nearly empty theater, Jennifer Aniston's face is 20 feet tall. Life is rich and full! But tomorrow, I'm really going to knuckle down with CGI/Perl...
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